Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
