I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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