the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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