Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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