Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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