The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
