you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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