We won't sleep together?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
