she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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