so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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