If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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