ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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