sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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