from now on my penis is your penis
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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