Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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