4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
