Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
FUCK WHALES
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
