I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize