Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
the condom got lost in my hair
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
