matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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