I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
