i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
