Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
