There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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