His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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