my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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