I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
