I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
