your parents love me but you hate me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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