I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
