if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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