You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
