I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
