I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
