im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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