Your face is a jimmy john
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
