is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
