New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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