haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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