I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
