there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
