My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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