For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
