I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
