Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
