Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
