Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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