News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
