Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
