Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
