the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
