I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
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