When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
