I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
