I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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