Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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