Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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