Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You ruined the universe
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize