Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
