you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
