i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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