FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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