my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize