don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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